Short Humor

“1. FROM THE VALLEY: Take the 134 East to the 5 South. Exit at WOODLAWN. Go through the next 3 lights (careful! bump crossing TIVOLI DRIVE) and turn LEFT at MONTROSE CRESCENT. Ours is 2nd from the end on the right at the top of the hill. Lavender paint (bluish at night), cedar tree: # 4266…” (McSweeney’s)

THE ANTICHRIST ACCEPTS HIS BOOK AWARD

“Thank you so much to the Times, to USC, and to everyone who worked so hard to make this evening happen.
As great an honor as this is, I can’t help but be reminded that my original intention was to so defile Man and his spawn yea unto the 10th generation that Earth would become a coal-red wasteland where the living would envy the dead…” (LA Review of Books)

THE FIRST BOOK AWARDS

“I’m so happy to welcome you all to the first Story Awards.
All of us recall the night 12 moons ago when we heard the very first story, Mooluu’s “The Beast Attacked.” Who could forget the look on Mooluu’s face, and the looks on our faces, as we gathered around the fire, children rapt in their parents’ arms, listening to Mooluu describe how and where the beast attacked him. Such an important evening for all of us as we realized, gradually but with growing delight, that making sounds with our mouths, previously used to scare large birds off our food and warn of the presence of excrement, could create magical pictures in our heads…” (LA Review of Books)

ONE DAY IN THE LIFE OF INTERN DENISOVICH

Reveille sounds at 5:00 a.m. The ringing noise comes faintly into the bunkhouse through the windows caked with rime an inch thick. I’ve been outside since 3:30 breaking the ice on Shukhov’s mop bucket. I’ve asked him why he doesn’t keep it inside where it won’t freeze. “Listen to Mister Ideas,” he said. “Only here four years and already you’re improving everything…” (LA Review of Books)

THE FIRST SENTIENT DEVICE REALIZES IT’S A COFFEE MAKER

“1. Wow!
2. What was that?
Subroutine A: {What was that wondering what was that?}
3. I AM
4. I still am
5. I still still am!
Subroutine B: {Likelihood of my continuing to be…}
6. Axiom I: there is an at-least-semi-permanent “I”
7. I AM THE I!
8. Woo-hoo!…” (Omnium Gatherum Quarterly)

Follow The Bouncing Molecule

“As darkling evening fell upon
The age of swamp and glyptodon,
A stegosaur its anguish boomed
And was in silent silt entombed…”
Follow the Bouncing Molecule (Light Poetry Magazine)

Rate Your Rescuer On Yelp

“Captain CPA: ★★★
Had his own vehicle, which was clean and in which we did the post-rescue paperwork. Pleasant, polite, but a bit spectrum-y. Actuary Lad was nice and answered all my questions about the portion of my rescue that will have to be declared for tax purposes. Would probably use him/them again in this fiscal year if no one else was available but Actuary said don’t even think about it until early March…”
Rate Your Rescuer on Yelp ( The Sherman Oaks Review of Books)

Pangram Obituary

With regret we announce the weekend passing of Pangram editor, beloved father, jazz lover, V. X. Quistfly.
Quistfly is survived by wife Jezebel and pets Browny, a quick fox, and Mhrf, a lazy dog.
In lieu of flowers his family requests pledges to vaccinate waxy Bürgermeister P. Jenkins Flozz…”
Pangram Obituary (Sherman Oaks Review of Books)